Confessions of a Confused College Student: Anxiety, New Year Resolutions and Vulnerability.
I am unclear as to whether or not this depressing rain, my obnoxious 7am class schedule, or simply the harsh wake up call of have a rigid agenda has contributed to my current state, but regardless—this week has felt like seeing an ex: an ex I call anxiety. During the course of my glorious three week vacation, I was able to refocus my perspective on life and truly “smell the roses” of life, (click here to figure out what on earth I am referring to). Give or take a few 5am wake up calls for work, I spent my three weeks of freedom waking up with excitement stirring in my heart as I prepared to spend my days pursuing my personal relationships or working on creative endeavors.
Throughout my Christmas break I fully embraced the transformation that undeniably transpired in my heart after the stress of last quarter diminished. I liked feeling like I was, (albeit slowly) learning to give up what I knew was a harmful pursuit for control in various areas in my life. I loved filling my calendar with my goals for 2017 and pinning an excessive number of motivational quotes. Yet unfortunately, I gleefully completed all these things with the naive belief that my current state of peace was the sole product of an internal transformation, rather than favorable external circumstances.
And so after I finally sprung back into a rigid routine this week, I fell victim to a cautionary tale that I have longed advocated: the tale of being too theoretical. Because in the midst of unfamiliar classes, leadership meetings, hectic schedules, and the ever-present pressure to adequately fulfill society’s definition of success, I came to the regretful realization that the internal solace I previously experienced was gone. And consequently, with that solace vanished many my theoretical intentions for 2017.
Now you may be thinking, geez child—it is day three of your quarter and you are already over thinking to the max, (get a hold of yo self).
To which I will respond: absolutely. I am absolutely over thinking to the max. But while I previously would have suppressed my mind’s curious habit of over analyzing, I am instead choosing to practice vulnerability in order to create an authentic online environment.
Because, yes—I do overthink. And yes—I do write too much and tip-toe from sophisticated sentences to those that are shamefully grammatically incorrect.
But here’s the deal: despite the interwoven life hack blog posts, aesthetically pleasing Instagram photos and Pinterest-themed weekend trips: the real Allie Blaising and proud millennial freakout is actually just a girl trying to reorient herself following the realization that her theoretical intentions for 2017 have been derailed in the presence of an overbooked schedule.
This random musings post is ultimately intended to remind my fellow millennials that it is totally natural, (or at least I am purposing to believe it is) to feel overwhelmed, imbalanced and anxious.
Many of us millennials are struggling to understand the paradox of this precarious stage in our lives. On the one hand life is exciting and devoid of many external responsibilities, but on the other hand, our lives are subject to continuous change and subsequent anxiety.
And so I truly hope that the lesson I am reiterating to myself, namely that the inconsistent nature of our lives, and the anxiety that such a nature of life breeds is not altogether negative—especially if we can transform it into vulnerability and growth, will resonate with at least some of my dear readers.
So, if you are feeling in a similarly precarious boat as myself, please feel free to join me in my millennial attempt at a “new year, new me.” Because:
Now when I first started writing my goals out I kept thinking about how many of the people and practices in this list act as hedges in life. Wait, hold up? Hedges? Like tree hedges?
Well unfortunately according to Google images and everyone else, yes. But, according to my arguably comical interpretation, hedges have an entirely different definition. In this case the term hedge defines specific practices or people utilized in order to rebalance and refocus on pursuing my personal goals.
Over the next four weeks, I want to hold myself accountable to pursuing five goals. Below are my five goals, (which I do not intend for you to read)...But I want to write them here to keep myself accountable, and also so that I can report back the results of my challenge.
If you are reading this right now, please feel free to comment one practical goal you want to pursue in the next five weeks of the new year. Follow me on Instagram @millennialfreakout to follow my journey to pursue my new hedges/goals.
1. Work less.
- Like many people pleasers, this will be a difficult goal. But I put it as my first goal because I know that although I could continue to work the hours I am while juggling 18 units and trying to be more involved in leadership within my department—it would come with a very high price. (Trust me I found this out the hard way last quarter).
2. Get at least two accountability partners.
- I am a control freak—and there is one issue that I now realize that I absolutely need people I trust to keep me accountable on, (and yes, this goal is intentionally vague in guess you were curious;).
3. Spend more nights with my family.
- My family makes me laugh, feel loved and gives me perspective that I have a hard time finding anywhere else. But I will admit that I sometimes tell myself that either a.) I cannot spend my free time relaxing or b.) I should not forsake other social events with my college peers. Guess what? Those are total lies. I am confident that the best remedy to my anxiety this quarter is more time with my family.
4. Shut down my electronics 30 minutes before bed and turn off my lights no later than 11:15pm.
- Two of my worst habits bed-time habits are spending mindless time on my electronics and staying up unnecessarily late. And although I made these goals in my head during break, that mode of intention setting clearly failed this week. So, here is to putting goals in writing.
5. Morning and nightly journaling/praying/intention setting.
- My anxiety and tendency to overthink about the unknown is one of my biggest pitfalls. So my last goal for the next four weeks is to spend every morning and night either journaling about my emotions and blessings, or praying/intention setting for the day. I want to beat my brain at a game I made up: the “how fast can I propel myself into anxiety” game.
That is all for now. I guess it is actually time to look at my to-do list for today. Much love,